It’s 10:20 a.m. on Monday. Peter Fection heads to his first class of the day. That’s right, Peter has first free, second lunch. His classes include Lighting, Costuming, etc. That’s right, his transcript reads “etc.” as his final three classes.

After leaving his three-room single, which has its own bathroom, fridge and microwave, Fection is met at the door of his class by his smiling girlfriend who is bearing some homemade banana bread, his books and his homework. Oh, by the way, she’s a day student; they both have car permission, but she lives within walking distance.

Belle Cullen, commonly known as Mrs. Fection, got in early to three single-choice early action schools. Crazy how that works. Belle is widely known as the choice girl in the school, but remember, it’s her choice, too; she will never be objectified.

Despite his kick-ass schedule and his sweet room, he really, really likes his girlfriend. Like, imagine the feeling a Freshman boy gets when he gets a Blue Key Head kiss from every single one of the Blue Key Heads in front of his prefect. He now probably thinks his prefect will respect him, which is a big deal, so he’s pretty stoked. Fection met Belle on the first day of school, and, ever since the Video Dance, the rest is history.

Suddenly, Peter unplugs and opens his eyes. As his pupils adjust to the fierce light of reality, he realizes that he was just in the twilight zone. Now, he’s back in the Friend Zone.

The Friend Zone is the most horrible place for a high school boy. Imagine the anguish an upperclassman feels eating in Upper Right on a weekend. No chocolate milk, no peace and quiet; I swear it’s lighter downstairs. Now, divide that anguish by x as x approaches zero. If you know anything, you know that anguish approaches infinity.

The Friend Zone: where feelings go to languish in anguish and where Peter is faced with one fundamental question: “Really??? That kid?? What is he, funny or something? I’m funny!”

How did he arrive in the Friend Zone, you might ask? Well, Peter tried really hard to become more than friends with Belle when they first met. He hung out with her a lot, tried to be super nice to her, and then, before long, he entered the Zone. He knew it was too late when she said that she really liked him… like a brother.

We are gathered here today to commemorate the loss of Fection’s hopes. Now, he dwells in the Friend Zone. For any of you who have ever seen Matt Damon’s film “Green Zone,” yeah, the Friend Zone is that bad. Peter now can only visit the twilight zone in his dreams, but he is condemned to the Friend Zone. Stay tuned next time for “The Matrix.”