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Features Editors Cxxxiv    Thursday, February 24, 2011
10. Assume it is “Tomorrow. For sure tomorrow.” every Monday and Wednesday. 9. You know what they say about assuming. 8. Don’t do your work and just hope. Life isn’t cruel...right? 7. Look at the seventh word of each of Mrs. Chase’s emails. There lies the answer. 6. Become omniscent. 5. Spend from 5 to 8 p.m. every night of winter term in Lower Right, so you’ll at least be the first to know. 4. Waterboard somone until they give you the answer you want. 3. Be Yuto....
Madeline Kasper    Thursday, February 24, 2011
By MADELINE KASPER OPP officers are frantically trying to repair a fissure that appeared on the Andover bubble late Tuesday night. The bubble has long been a part of Phillips Academy life, custom built for the school by the Federal Bureau of Investigation. OPP reports that the damage could take weeks to fix considering the bubble’s unique formulation, which, according to Features insiders, includes ingredients such as Chuck Norris’s tears, the sorcerer’s stone, unobtainium and DJ Paully...
Brandon Wong    Thursday, February 24, 2011
By BRANDON WONG This past Tuesday, boarding students in Adams Hall, Rockwell House, Nathan Hale House and Fuess House were all asked to permanently leave Andover. The evictions were the latest in the school’s new “Go Green or Go Home” policy. According to the new “Gunga Data,” which tracks electricity consumption around campus, these four dormitories each fell above 25,000 KWH. The administration publicly announced earlier this year that students in any dormitory that failed to meet this...
Shin-Jae Lee    Thursday, February 24, 2011
By SHIN-JAE LEE On the evening of Friday, February 18th, 2011, melting snow caused by the fine weather revealed a dead student buried in the snow. Phillips Academy Public Safety chose not to investigate until Saturday night, claiming that they had the right to “enjoy the fine weather,” by which time it was “far too cold to effectively investigate.” When investigations finally went underway, PAPS reported that the student was a Freshman residing in Rockwell Hall. After sending the...
Nikhil Baradwaj    Thursday, February 24, 2011
By NIKHIL BARADWAJ Chaos broke out last Tuesday night at Phillips Academy when an unspecified new Lower girl was trampled by her careless classmates in Lower Right. The girl was waving a blue field hockey stick in her hand when the incident broke out. At the time, she was wearing a long coat and many scarves. She had just returned from field hockey practice outside of school. The students quickly recognized her as an imposter of Mrs. Chase. At 6:00 p.m. exactly, the rampage ensued....
Sam Lessard    Thursday, February 24, 2011
By SAM LESSARD Last week, the school decided to surprise the students of Smith House, giving them a surprise “Wildlife Exhibit” right in their dorm! The administration bought out a local petting zoo and filled the dorm with dozens of furry friends. Surrounded by the luscious Rafferty Field and towering oak trees, there could not have been a better suited place for this exhibit. “I didn’t realize that part of my $40,000 tuition was an opportunity to experience the wild firsthand. I...
Features Editors Cxxxiv    Thursday, February 10, 2011
News. Serious business. These wise-guys like to think the newspaper revolves around them. As if people actually read the paper for news. They say, “You can’t spell newspaper without News.” These dummies think that the paper is all about them and their stupid section. Well, this just in: teamwork makes the dream work. Everyone knows that Features is the section that actually carries the paper. Who revises every article in the paper? Who sends it out to print? Well…Upper Management. But we...
Documents Compiled By, In A Very Particular Order: Colton Dempsey, Max Carrillo- Ostrow, Shin-Jae Lee, Robert Palmer and Sloan Kettering. Honorable Mentions: Brandon Wong and Madeline Kaspar    Thursday, February 3, 2011
Reference ID: L0L4DW1N Created: January 27, 2011 Classification: Confidential Origin: Head of School Chase’s private files Subject: Trustees Hate Snow, Love Grass Dear Mrs. Chase, I am writing this letter on behalf of a group of outraged trustees. Consider this a warning: do not heed our advice and you might as well forget about having handicap-accessible ramps in Bulfinch. Our complaints are thus: Phillips Academy is neglecting its grass. Look outside! Piles of snow are killing our...
Robert Palmer    Thursday, January 20, 2011
Bear Grylls as a Model of Masculinity and One Confidently Misguided Boy’s Pursuit of Truth The following is an excerpt from a young man’s account of a “Man vs. Wild” marathon. - 1:07 p.m. Just woke up from an eleven hour snooze fest that was preceded by a six hour Black-Ops game-sesh. I won’t bore you with the details of my conquests, but my k-d ratio was simply god-like and I made sure everyone else knew it. - 1:24 p.m. Finished off the rest of the Pizza Rolls and the Mountain...
Bobby Langworthy    Thursday, January 20, 2011
Real men don’t ask questions. Asking a question means you don’t know something, an unacceptable weakness. Caesar died with a question. That’s why he has been remembered as a coward and a ninny who never really accomplished anything and probably wore his wife’s clothes on the weekend. Not that you could tell, what with them wearing togas and all. Sure, he was a conqueror, but he conquered France. That’s like calling yourself ‘the Impaler’ because you pin insects on a display sheet. It’s...
Features Editors Cxxxiii    Thursday, January 20, 2011
Macho bros get girls. Lots of them. And there’s nowhere better to take a girl to discuss the greatness of WWE than your dorm room. It’s private and it gives you a chance to impress the girl with your knowledge of men who wrestle predetermined matches in scant clothing. Unfortunately, if your macho personality isn’t reflected in your room, the girls you bring won’t want to stay for long. Luckily, I’m here to tell you how to make your room a shrine to all that is macho and manly. The first...
Brandon Wong    Thursday, January 20, 2011
Not a real sports guy, are you? Never worn the varsity jacket and had a frosh bask in your glory? Hell, I bet you don’t even watch Sports Center in the Den. You’re that guy that didn’t get why Welker had to put his best foot forward when he went toe to toe with the Jets. Sports aren’t your thing…but you want it to seem like they are, right? I’m John Madden. After a position as head coach of the Oakland Raiders, three decades of broadcasting, a best selling video game franchise…well, the...

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