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Durham Abric    Thursday, February 13, 2014
As the Love Counseling Office (LCO) process draws closer for Uppers and comes to an end for Seniors, Features just wants to offer a friendly campus refresher on the LCO. The LCO is Andover’s new student service aimed at cultivating relationships on campus. During Upper Winter, the LCO requests that all students fill out a questionnaire regarding what they look for in a prospective mate. In recent years, the questionnaire has asked questions like: “What size mate are you looking for (...
Jake Taylor    Thursday, February 13, 2014
Gelb’s Research and Development department has recently been in overdrive, developing breakthroughs that will catalyze excitement for the upcoming Valentine’s Day. To begin with, a Chemistry 960 class invented a “Soluble Love Potion.” This combination of I2LO3VeU has been tested successfully on students, helping even the most unfortunate, awkward children find mates. Their initial attempts at the molecule Wa2NT3T0LEaV6E9? seemed hopeful, but proved unsuccessful after several trial runs in...
James Flynn    Thursday, February 13, 2014
10:59 p.m. (only one minute before lights-out!!!!) Dear Diary, It finally happened! You know what I’m talking about: the big thing. OMG, you silly diary, fine I’ll say it—I had my first kiss. It was everything I could have imagined: sparks flying, pure passion dripping. Honestly, I think this could be true love. I am thinking about buying the ring right now, and I have already booked the Yorkies to sing at my wedding—Azure couldn’t make it that night. It was so hard being the only guy in my...
Phillipian Features Staff CXXXVII    Thursday, February 6, 2014
Phillipian Features Staff CXXXVII    Thursday, February 6, 2014
Alisa Bhakta    Thursday, January 30, 2014
Over the past week, temperatures around Massachusetts have plummeted at an alarming rate. Despite the liberal agenda of global warming, temperatures are predicted to drop to about 0 Kelvin. The bitter cold is predicted to lead to even more friendly complaining on the path. Phillipians plan to take on this new Ice Age by preparing for hibernation. Students everywhere are trying to find ways in which they can limit any and all time spent outdoors. The primary leaders in the hibernation...
Teddy Lasry    Thursday, January 30, 2014
As many have noticed, the immense, liquescent orb surrounding all of Phillips Academy campus has frozen over this past week. Now that the “Andover Bubble” has been solidified, the already-limited exchange of goods, people and ideas between the Academy and the outside world has now reached a complete standstill. Although the cause of the catastrophe is still unconfirmed, many teachers are speculating that the combination of the low temperatures and the frigid emotional state of the student body...
Jack Lane    Friday, January 24, 2014
Hey there, sports fans! We, the citizens of Sochi and the members of the International Olympics Committee (IOC), can personally guarantee that the festivities will be more entertaining than any bodybuilders’ pageant on Mt. Olympus itself! But for your own enjoyment, we strongly suggest that you adhere to the following advice: Don’t talk about astronomy. Why? Because unfortunately, due to a government leak stating that Pluto is no longer a planet (I know, right?!), Disney-lovers all over our...
Durham Abric    Friday, January 24, 2014
Well, folks, it’s finally up and running. The Olympic Village, home to the world’s elite athletes for the duration of the games, will soon be packed to the brim. Sochi’s Olympic Village, however, is different from any previous athletes’ residencies. The Olympic Committee plans to create a more competitive atmosphere at the games by creating many small villages: one for each country. Of course, the good ole’ U.S. of A. has the largest and most lavish village. Hot tubs, massage chairs, even...
Teddy Lasry    Friday, January 24, 2014
After much controversy, the small community of long-bearded men that makes up the International Olympics Committee announced this week that the controversial Stress Exhalathalon will become an official sport at the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. Although many anthropologists have questioned the consequences for the health and the morals of the athletes who play this sport, the Exhalathalon has gained something of a cult following in much of Europe and Asia, as well as in the New...
Jake Marrus    Friday, January 24, 2014
It’s June 2013. A speed-skating superstar enters The Smelly Cat, a trendy New York City restaurant. The hostess tells him he needs a reservation. His utterance of the utterly bathetic “Do you know who I am?” gets cut off as the hostess is distracted by Serena Williams, who enters stage left.This distressing situation is commonplace for small time Winter Olympian athletes. The particular skater involved told a Phillipian reporter, “The hostess asked Serena for an autograph and told her The...
Durham Abric     Thursday, January 16, 2014
J.R.R. Tolkien novels have traditionally been successful in their film adaptations, so there’s been a new category has been added to the Academy Awards: The Lengthiest Film Adaptation of a J.R.R. Tolkien Novel. Needless to say, middle-aged men still living with their mothers are thrilled! The first nomination is an adaptation of Tolkien’s first and relatively unknown novel, “The Raucous Adventures of Samwise Gamgee.” This thrilling tale outlines the daily duties of Sam, a lovable and chubby...

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