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Bridget Higgins    Thursday, January 16, 2014
This year, Americans have gotten lazier than ever. Not only have they outsourced customer service, manufacturing and maple syrup production, but they will also no longer star in their own patriotic films. Suffice to say “patriotism” shall be mourned in the montage at the end of this award show. Because we owe foreigners a lot of money, we will feature the Best Foreign Actor in an American Film as a category this year. Maggie Smith’s role in “American Pie 3” has critics saying “What?” and “Isn’...
Teddy Lasry    Thursday, January 16, 2014
In order to symbolically recognize the malleable characteristics of a teenager’s life, a film (not movie!) will be recognized as the best, most earthy claymation of the year. The competition couldn’t have been that stiff, as it was adjusted in between every frame. Two major players came up, and, after they were baked, became hard hitters. The Academy will rate films from 1-10 on the malleability scale, where 1 is a sure-of-herself high school Senior and 10 is a young, underdeveloped sixth...
Gabe Braunstein    Thursday, January 16, 2014
A good children’s movie should be smart, humorous and educational for the growing generation of youngsters who crave 90 minutes of colorful stimulation. For years, Americans have been enjoying family time centered around these iconic films. Still, it’s a rare achievement when a film manages not only to engage the kids, but also to stimulate the parents with subtly risqué themes. Here are this year’s picks for Best Children’s Movie with Implicitly Risqué Themes for Adults: “Finding Rico”...
Phillipian Features Staff    Thursday, December 12, 2013
Dear Friends, Family and Cherished Acquaintances, I don’t know how you did it, but you clawed your way onto our Christmas-Er-Holiday Card list. Maybe we like you, maybe you think we like you or maybe we’ll need a favor when it comes time to job-hunt. Either way, you’re blessed with the wonderfulness of our delightful visages, or, in layman’s terms, our smiling faces. But how are you?!?!? We’re doing more than good. Heck, we’re doing great. Robbie learned to row a boat this year. He’s...
Callum Slater    Thursday, December 12, 2013
Christmas this year may not be as holly-jolly as everybody is hoping for it to be. This winter, our beloved Christmas figure St. Nick, more commonly known as Santa Claus, is being sued by the Elven Workers’ Union, PETA and the International Coal Production Facility. Santa is also being investigated by law officers in the North Pole for tax evasion, breaking and entering into the Grinch’s house, driving an unregistered flying sleigh and just general disorderly conduct. The elves are filing...
Teddy Lasry    Thursday, December 12, 2013
For the first time since being highly criticized for their scandalous outfits at the 2013 Rockefeller Center Tree Lighting, Rudolf and his clique have made it back on the social scene with a clatter. Donned in a sexy Louis Vuitton Santa hat and scandalously low-cut Victoria’s Secret reins, Rudolf said in an interview, “I wanna give people a new impression of me this season. I want people to know that I’m not a little fawn that everyone can fawn over anymore—I’m an influential individual, a...
Karissakang    Thursday, December 12, 2013
Yesterday, Alex Riley ’16 made an incredible discovery. On her way to the Gelb Science Center, she noticed some snow on her jacket and decided to observe two flakes beneath one of Gelb’s professional-level microscopes. To her shock, and the shock of the world, the two snowflakes were exactly alike. Bewildered, Riley then noticed that every snowflake on her Patagonia was absolutely identical. In a fit of rage, Riley ran outside and, upon her return, dumped a few large handfuls of snow onto a...
Rob Irvin + Ellie Simon     Thursday, December 12, 2013
As I’m sure you all know, I’ve developed somewhat of a nasty rep through the years. Back in my wee school days, I would just get picked on for my appearance. Rumors would be whispered, rumors saying that I was half cat, half Oscar the Grouch and half werewolf. In 6th grade someone wrote in my yearbook, “You have turned down fur–what?!?? What does that even mean?” Still, nothing compares to my most recent bout of bad publicity: that I stole Christmas. I would like to start my defense by asking...
Gabebraunstein    Thursday, December 12, 2013
Cries of terror rang out this past weekend in the Bosseyman Town Center as the Abominable Snowman terrorized residents of the town. This year, the Abominable Snowman has allegedly been on a rampage, creating more disorder than a Jackson Pollack painting. Reported to stand at over eight feet tall, the Abominable Snowman has sharp icicles for arms, foreboding powdery legs and beady coal eyes. He has been known to pick his nose... and his victims up before violently lodging their heads in snow...
Callum Slater    Thursday, November 14, 2013
THANKSGIVING: a holiday celebrating family and over-indulgence, and the one day of the year where no one judges you for unbuttoning your pants when you watch TV. It’s a story about tourists and locals and the idea of sharing, right? Wrong! A certain technologically inadequate President, who will remain unnamed, has fed you lies. The real story of Thanksgiving is so epic that it has been hidden from the general public for generations in fear that the awesomeness would overpower them. However,...
Teddy Lasry    Thursday, November 14, 2013
Andover’s initiative to “go green” has become more common across campus this year. Grades have gone online, teachers are using digital textbooks and Paresky Commons has begun distributing reusable mugs (which, to the great concern of community members, have been mugged by thugs). Alongside these developments, Andover is sponsoring a “Green Thanksgiving” this year. For years, we have prided ourselves on recyclable turkey, eco-friendly stuffing and biodegradable mashed potatoes. But this year,...
Ellie Simon    Thursday, November 14, 2013
The Morgan family’s value has increased enormously after their stalks skyrocketed during this past harvest. They have faced some tough times in the past, with harsh winds, famine and drought destroying their corn stalks, but you won’t get them this year, Nature. This season, the Morgan family took a different approach to increase their family’s value and tried investing in a bunch of bulls from a local New York state bull market to nurture the stalks as they grew to maturity. Now, I know...

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