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Phillipian Features Staff CXXXVI    Thursday, November 7, 2013
James “goob” Flynn    Thursday, October 31, 2013
What is the point of hunting? You use some rocks and sticks to kill some helpless, woolly mammoths. That poor little mammoth is just walking around, minding his own business and eating all the foliage he can, hoping to find his own Mrs. Mammoth. But no, your greed for all of his meat has coerced you to slash his heart out and tear off his limbs. Yes, I kill mammoths and eat them every single night, but it is not my fault that their sweet, succulent flesh tastes so good. I look into their...
Teddy Lasry    Thursday, October 31, 2013
Last Saturday, after the seasonal costume festival where students dressed up as the gods and mammoths, the administration took disciplinary action against over a dozen students on the grounds of a new campus-wide sensation: clubbing. It would appear that students are abusing their weapons to get cheap thrills as they fight and hit each other over the head. “You know, it’s just sad to see these bright kids doing this to themselves,” said an anonymous faculty member. “I don’t know what it is,...
Callum Slater    Thursday, October 31, 2013
The man cave is where you eat, sleep, definitely don’t shower and live because it’s your house. That’s right, cavemen: your cave is your key to survival in this harsh, unforgiving world with freaky bucktoothed tigers. It’s where you shelter yourself from the cold, the rain and your cavewomen. Your cave is central to your way of life, and it affects how people perceive you. Here are some cave styles to express yourself for posterity: The Neanderhall The Neanderhall is a classic for the...
Karissa Kang    Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Last week, Flint Stone ’14 discovered something both perplexing and enchanting, a new phenomenon which we call “fire.” Fire makes the skin hot to the touch, and after too much exposure, blackens it and results in screaming. But most importantly, fire allows “woolly mammoth,” a popular dish on campus, to be eaten without as high of a chance of dying a painful, spasmodic death. A recipe for preparing one year’s worth of mammoth requires only a dead mammoth and two sticks, which can both be found...
Durham Abric    Thursday, October 24, 2013
Recently on Andover campus, students have been outraged. Again. In fact, some students have been driven to the point of madness. What is this terrible, First Amendment-violating rule, you may ask? Brace yourselves, because it’s spookier than I even expected: No inappropriately inaccurate costumes are permitted at the Halloween dance. Ever since the year 1966, faculty chaperones have been complaining about how horribly put-together some students’ costumes are. One biology teacher claims that...
Teddy Lasry    Thursday, October 24, 2013
We’ve all felt that cold, queasy chill that creeps down into your britches when you walk through those metal doors, the emotionless fluorescent lighting that dulls the soul, the icy rubber floors, dark staircases, grubby walls and mysteriously locked doors. “Yeah, I mean, I try to go in there, like, as little as possible—they’ve got weird stuff going on in there, you know,” said an anonymous student. For the administration, it was an easy decision to open up Morse Hall as a haunted house...
Karissa Kang    Thursday, October 24, 2013
Frank Stein ’15 has always been heralded as a talented writer. He has won prestigious awards including, “Best Youth Writer in Southeastern Rhode Island,” and “The George W. Bush Award for Aspiring Intellectuals.” This time around, however, Stein has used his writing talents for evil. In his newest story, “The Yellow Blob That Eats Everything It Sees,” he describes a disturbing monster, the Yellow Blob, with such description that the monster itself seems to come to life. That’s the beauty of...
James Flynn    Thursday, October 24, 2013
Feech: What are the perks of being a ghost? Ghost: Well, when I was alive, people used to slander me, calling me a “creep.” Like, peeping is a natural part of a young boy’s life, and I happen to have the same young boy in me at age 106. But now people get more shocked than weirded out, so I guess that’s pretty cool. Also, walking through walls. That stuff’s real tight. F: What are some hardships that ghosts face? G: You know how hard it is to make friends? I can’t say, “Hey, I’m a ghost,...
Phillipian Features Staff CXXXVI    Thursday, October 17, 2013
Callum “c-money” Slater    Thursday, October 17, 2013
Dear Congressman Ebenezer Scrooge, It is in these adverse political times that I write to you seeking answers. I hope you can answer my questions about how you intend to represent me as a devoted, tax-paying citizen. Are you having fun on Capitol Hill? Are you making new friends? Do you have a best friend? Oh, I bet you have a best friend. Is his name Jack? You would definitely have a best friend named Jack. I bet you guys go swimming in the lake, play kickball and drink bug juice...
James “james” Flynn    Thursday, October 17, 2013
What a day it is when the United States government shuts down. Around 800,000 workers will be sent home from all sorts of departments, both the ones you know about and the ones that are watching you. But hey, it’s not that bad. Sit back, relax, grab a cup of tea and we’ll have a party. With fewer government officials we will have a small government, which is great because I hate a big government. Big government is the enemy of liberty and causes my entire salary to be taxed so that some kid...

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