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Jenny “j-dub” Wang    Thursday, October 17, 2013
The government device shutdown has officially begun. Last Sunday afternoon, a bipartisan group of Congressmen decided to escape the frenzy on Capitol Hill by enforcing a complete device shutdown so our nation’s leaders could take a break from connected learning. Congress’s attempts to shut down technology turned messy after they lost all major forms of communication with each other. It turns out writing letters is passé. Last Friday, Congresswoman Demi Krat (D-VA) was seen chatting up her...
Features Staff CXXXVI    Thursday, October 10, 2013
Arthur Doran    Friday, October 4, 2013
Desperate to make some sort of actual change while in office, last year’s student council president, Wanglefort Slumberjack, decided to use his executive power to revert the Student Council Constitution to what it was way back in the year 1850. After a lengthy process of revising the politically incorrect 163-year-old Constitution, the faux tea stained piece of paper purchased at the poster fair made it politically correct by the standards of todayyear.The Student Council unanimously voted that...
Billy Casagrande and Jack Shumway    Friday, October 4, 2013
This week, a shootout took place in Andover County’s Susie’s Saloon after class on Thursday. The sheriff hasn’t released the identities of the shooters yet, but it is rumored that there were two Juniors and two Uppers involved.It all started when the Juniors sat down in Susie’s Saloon with Rocky Raccoon and ordered some chicken quesadillas with two tall, foamy cold ones (cold ones being those nifty new milkshakes) exclaiming, “It’s been a long day!”The first boy, dressed in a flannel button-...
James Flynn    Friday, October 4, 2013
Early last week, while bathing in Pomps Pond, Old Man Jenkins, a PG for the fourth time this year, literally struck gold when he found several nuggets. When the news reached the Phillips Academy campus, over half the student body left their books behind, hopped on their horse ‘n’ buggies and made their way down to ol’ Pomps, hoping to get rich quick.Over the weekend, a temporary camp made primarily of Quonset huts sprouted up. The camp has created a ruckus so loud it resonates throughout all...
Durham Abric    Friday, October 4, 2013
Gather round lil’ cowboys and cowgirls. Today we’re gonna learn how to rope a good one. Dress to impress and don’t forget to grab your lassos. Ten gallon hats, Western boots and oversized belt buckles are musts if you wanna catch the eye of a tasty lil’ thang, which you will slaughter and eat.First thing’s first, boys and girls, we’ve gotta learn to identify a fine piece o’ meat. When you’re on the prowl, make sure to keep your eyes up. You never know when a tasty lil’ thang might stumble...
Callum Slater    Friday, October 4, 2013
Andover’s most notorious bandit has done it again. George Phillip Wrangler, the Upper from Brokeback, Montana, who is colloquially known as GP Wrangler, is the lead suspect in the investigation concerning the disappearance of Interstate 93. Last Friday night, homesick Juniors attempted to run away from school, but their efforts were halted when they discovered there was no highway to get on. In addition, angry commuters found that their obsession with driving through Andover as fast as...
Holly Fitzpatrick    Friday, October 4, 2013
Quick Drawin’ Bill, otherwise known as Skeeter, or, to his close friends, Bill, was born with the name in a Native American cave on the eve of a Tuesday. His mother was an Iroquois Artist in Residence, and his father was wind itself. Before he could walk, Bill was drawing all over the place. He drew on saloon walls, his clothes, spare napkins and even his own mother. However, there was somethin’ special in ol’ Bill’s quick and timely drawings, spewing out of his imagination like water out of...
Durham “dirk” Abric    Thursday, September 26, 2013
Hear ye, hear ye! A new age of Andover jousting is upon us! The season started off smashingly this past weekend as the jousting team trampled Loomis on their way to victory. Sira Lancealittle ’14, the team’s Captain and star knight, was excited to start the season off on the right hoof: “It felt great to get back on the horse, especially after last season’s fiasco when I fell off the horse. Cause what do you do when you fall off the horse? You get back on.” For those wretched, illiterate...
Callum “slayer” Slater    Thursday, September 26, 2013
Hear ye hear ye, campuse is a-reeling after the passing of beloved student Louis Chivalry ’1201. The beloved Seniore from Chateau le Dooshice, France, is remembered by his female counterparts and emotional guys with guitars. Chivalry died earlier this week when he succumbed to symptoms of hypothermia and irrelevancy. Chivalry fell ill when he gave his Patagonia to his maiden at the time, Dani California ’17, and then attempted the treacherous walk back from Abbot campus by foot. After ye...
Timothy “jrr Tolkein” Bulens    Thursday, September 26, 2013
On the 1781st day following the construction of King Samuel Phillips Jr.’s first educational castle, his uncle, Earl John Phillips, constructed a new and less impressive institution in the frigid wastleand that is, in the local dialect, known as Exeter. However, Samuel Phillips’s castle, Andover, remained the center of culture, flourishing while his uncle’s hovel in Exeter did just the opposite. John Phillips’s authority soon became non-existent as his people were reduced to an unorganized...
Phillipian Features Staff CXXXVI    Thursday, September 26, 2013
10. “Broeth, I hopeth I geteth Ston’ed.” 9. “Could I get some caviar with this mutton?” 8. “Oh my! What a lovely hovel you have!” 7. “What was so bubonic about that?” 6. “You smell nice today.” 5. “I would trade my kingdom for a horse.” 4. “You’ll be fine, it’s just a cold.” 3. “It doesn’t matter that you’re not Christian. We can be friends anyways!” 2. “Maybe I’ll let someone else be king for a little while.” 1. “I don’t really...

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