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Phillipian Features Staff CXXXVI    Thursday, May 30, 2013
Rob Irvin    Thursday, May 23, 2013
When DEFeatures’ parent company, Old Money Cash Money Billionaires, which was owned by a microwave company, which was owned by an air conditioning company, which was owned by General Electric, threatened to take away our funding, the general consensus was that this really sucks, as we get all of our money from them because there’s no way we could afford our gold-plated toilet seats with the revenue from our very own signed artists. DEFeatures recording company is normally recognized as the...
Charlie Jarvis    Thursday, May 23, 2013
On Saturday, the Exeter-based record label BIG REDcords, DEFeatures’ archrival, was discovered to be committing big time fraud. Instead of selling records, as their name implies, they were selling CDs. The company was placing CDs into record covers and marketing them as “mini-records.” Disgusting. This act of trickery has caused widespread uproar. In response, high school students worldwide have been making “tsk” sounds instead of breathing to show their disapproval. This has undoubtedly...
Ellie Simon    Thursday, May 23, 2013
Demi Gelato is back on the music scene and off the boulevard of broken dreams! The young celebrity developed a public and humiliating coffee addiction last winter after attending too many coffeehouses, but it is now on the path to recovery. The harmful effects of coffee have been threatening Gelato’s health and scarring her poor heart, just like a tattoo. Her physician, Dr. Leigh Riqual, explained, “I think it’s good she put her defenses up. She didn’t want to fall in love (with coffee), and...
Jack Lane    Thursday, May 23, 2013
Over its years of corporate dominance, DEFeatures has seen a lot of bands, groups, DJ’s, hipsters, mobsters and singers rise from the proletariat to take to the studio and bang out some tunes. Well, Music Lovers, we’re here to tell you that the hip new band, The Phreshmen, is really something for the History-100 books. This freshmen-exclusive sensation started back in the fall of ’12 as just a couple of rebellious kids trying to make it in a big academy. They met in the little known Music-...
Phillipian Features Staff CXXXVI    Thursday, May 16, 2013
Publius    Thursday, May 2, 2013
Hear Ye, Hear Ye: Greetings! Stdravsvweetye! Hola! Gutentag! Welcome to Colonial Featuesburg! Years from now, we imagine families will visit here and have no fun at all, even though we shall advertise it heavily and pretend it is an amusement park! Here in Featuresburg, we remain pure, for we are the noblest individuals remaining on this flat stretch of earth in the middle of the universe. As the first part of orientation, we should probably let you know a few rules: no fun, no dancing, no...
Bianca Navarro Bowman And Ellie Simon    Thursday, May 2, 2013
In the past fortnight, dovens of Andover students living on Salem Street have been accused of witchcraft. The Devil Containment Committee, also known as the DC Committee, has been holding trials in the tunnel between Morse and Pearson. So far, 13 people have been tried, and 666 have been found guilty and ex-spelled. The Illuminati, however, claims to have no involvement whatsoever. Hmmmm. Reports of witchery detail sightings of Andover students stewing and brewing potions in Gelb, entrancing...
Rob Irvin And Vincent Mocco    Thursday, May 2, 2013
Last year, at Andover, we had an astonishing 83 percent matriculation rate. But for Features, this statistic is not good enough. We wanted to find out why the other 17 percent chose not to attend. After spending countless hours watching Newsline, cross referencing Wikipedia and titrating a terrific amount of titanium, we discovered that the 17 percent of the admitted students that did not matriculate actually died due to the dangers of the colonial era. Every student who is accepted to...
Claire Jacobson And Rebecca Somer    Thursday, May 2, 2013
The trendy throwback style, the pilgrim look, worn first by Martha Merica ’1614 has caught the attention of many in the Academy. Since Junior year, Merica, who has great posture due to her lack of a backpack as well as her exceptionally tight corset, has been seen carrying her books either by hand or, more commonly, by her signature monogrammed weaved basket. Depending on the day, she alternates between an exceptionally, almost black, shade of brown and delicate, black dresses that hang loosely...
Bridget Higgins    Thursday, April 25, 2013
Buck Baldwin ’14 woke up in Isham with a mild concussion, upwards of 20 paper cuts on his cherubic face and no idea what had just happened. Upon regaining consciousness, he was released from Isham with an icepack, several band-aids and some Sudafed. It wasn’t until later that night that he found out what had occurred to him via an already viral YouTube video that his grandmother posted on his Facebook Wall. The video showed Baldwin being viciously stampeded in the library in the rush to...
Bianca Navarro Bowman And Ellie Simon    Thursday, April 25, 2013
Dear Mayor Bloomderp, My whole life I’ve dreamt of visiting New York City. Literally, my mom birthed me while listening to the song “New York, New York,” and I popped out belting the chorus. I know, my first words were early and melodic. Last weekend, after 12 years of restless waiting, I finally got to witness its “magnificence” on a field trip with my Free the Squirrels Club, and frankly, I was incredibly disappointed by your city. All of the tales I heard were about as tall as the Empire...

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