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Veronica Harrington    Thursday, April 25, 2013
Uuuuggggghhh I must be the only real person around here, buncha phonies, that’s what all these phonies are—a buncha dump pre-, post- and during-pubescent phonies. I came to New York to escape the phonies, and these people are way more real than Andover! I just walked outta the Natural History museum, and boy, those dinos aren’t phony. They’re real, bad to the bone. No secrets. No lies. No phoniness. Yeah, I like those dinos. My sister Phoebe used to call me Triceratops because my head’s so...
Jack Lane    Thursday, April 18, 2013
If you hadn’t noticed yet, spring is upon us, which brings on the primal urge to woo and court. And how are you supposed to woo and court if you can’t even defend your lass (or lad)? The following defense techniques have been learnéd in the only way possible: trial and error. Sooo much error. Thousands have died bestial deaths during the writing of this compendium of carnage, all of whom tragically did not have life insurance. But, fear not! No actual animals have been harmed in the making...
Arthur Doran And Noah Hornik    Thursday, April 18, 2013
Greetings, students. I’m Patrick O. Gonya, President...
Tori Grice And charlie Jarvis    Thursday, April 18, 2013
For the first time ever, Andover will be hosting a beard growing competition, despite the enormous societal pressure to “stay clean.” Though a select and outcasted few have held strong since November, the majority of the Andover populous has shaved since then. Youth from every mountainous quarter have been recruited to compete in the competition to see whose beard can grow most within one week of intense testosterone mongering. Some have doubted the legality of the recruited Post Graduates,...
Rob Irvin and Vince Mocco    Thursday, April 18, 2013
The cat is the swiss army knife of the wild. Just when you think you’ve got everything out of it, a screw driver pops out. One of the cat’s many useful attributes is its fur. Some of its many uses include, but are not limited to: half a pair of socks, one earmuff and, of course, fingerless gloves. All such items are absolute necessities to surviving in the wild. Having the ability to skin a cat will put one above all others, even bears. If you are in the wild and only have access to a single...
Ellie Simon And Bianca Navarro-bowman    Thursday, April 18, 2013
Craving something wild? This spring, Paresky Commons is releasing recipes for what is sure to be an instant classic: beefed up jerky. By following its simple steps and some animal tracks, you can make your own jerky before you can say “Bear Grylls” three times fast. Unlike your typical and boring beef jerky, beefed up jerky allows for a wide and free range of free range animals including common meats like bison and caribou, though its unique technology can also jerkify chicken, quail, bears...
Arthur Doran And Noah Hornik    Thursday, April 11, 2013
Only two weeks after banning all cooked meals in an attempt to join the raw food movement, trendy universities Brown and Wesleyan have taken another step away from the mainstream and into a smaller, lesser-known stream, diving, of course, hip first. The school’s administrators sat down over steaming cups of organic, fair trade, triple mocha lattes at a local coffee, insence and hemp shop, which was definitely not a chain, to discuss this pertinent matter. It was unanimously decided that the...
Claire Jacobson And Rebecca Somer    Thursday, April 11, 2013
During Blue Key Head (BKH) auditions last week, a certain few candidates surprised us all. As they stormed through Lower Right of Paresky Commons, no one could tell if they were a brood of prematurely balding Post-Graduates or a gaggle of guys whose body wash was sneakily infused with blue food dye. Little did the audience know, Blue Man Group had caught wind of the auditions and decided to show Andover just what being blue is all about. Unsuspecting and apprehensive of the talent they were...
Ellie Simon    Thursday, April 11, 2013
Moe Ron ’16 didn’t realize what he was signing up for when he snuck into the acclaimed hypnotism show last Saturday night… and never left. Unlike other students who returned to normal upon exiting Kemper Auditorium, Ron still remains hypnotized to this day. Ron claims to have originally hoped to attend the show and impress his lady friend, Imba Sill ’16. “Where am I? Oh, I just wanted a chance to show all the girls some of my rad, popping dance skills. Where am I? I’m Captain Underpants!”...
Rob Irvin And Vince Mocco    Thursday, April 11, 2013
As many Andover students may know, revisit days can be exciting. It’s a time for prospective students to get to know what could be their new home, and possibly who they will be spending the next four years of their life with. Lately, these students have been flocking to the Andover campus. Some have an easier time socializing with their future classmates than others. One student, Dudley Turtlebottom appeared at first to be a quiet, reserved and scholarly individual. He kept to himself most...
    Thursday, April 11, 2013
10. I bet you wish I were a polar bear. 9. What do you mean I’m not technically a real bear!? 8. You can’t say “panda” without “duh.” 7. I don’t shave. 6. I can hardly bear how good I look in this kimono right now. 5. Is this too much eyeliner? 4. My bamboos are too small. 3. Not everything is so black and white. 2. There aren’t too many of my kind out there; enjoy it while you can. 1. Is this even legal?
Mikaela Rabb    Thursday, April 4, 2013
Although the discounted Carnival cruise in the Mediterranean may have been a tad sketchy, Macon Itreign ‘13 and hia family couldn’t pass up a good deal. After all, there was no way more than one ship would break down? Besides, a little dirty water and broken toilet couldn’t be that bad. They had to suffer their mother’s cooking everyday, which they could withstand in the name of a cheap trip. Luckily, the ship never broke down, but nobody had expected exactly how badly this Mediterranean...

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