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Phillipian Features Staff CXXXVI    Thursday, April 4, 2013
10. Jesus. 9. Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens (both Catholic!). 8. Ms. Cathy Lick. 7. Mary Pope Osborne. 6. Gucci Mane. 5. Tropicana Extra Pulp O.J. 4. Popeahontas. 3. The Dalai Lama. 2. Eggs Benedict XVII. 1. Jacob “L’chaim” Marrus.
Phillipian Features Staff CXXXVI    Thursday, April 4, 2013
Polish your sunglasses, iron your shorts, break out your frisbees, dust off your portable hammocks and then put them all away, because it is still damn cold outside; our steps are springless. But, fear not Phillips Academy, the day will come. The day when we can wear shorts and not have to pretend we are not cold while everyone looks at us disapprovingly. The day when it will actually be as nice as it looks outside. The day when cutting class to play four-square just does not seem like that...
Jake Marrus    Thursday, April 4, 2013
This vacation, Ryan McStudent ‘14, made popular by the generic BlueCard photo, took an alternative to the traditional vacation options. Without a ski condo in Aspen to elope to, without any sort of island bungalow, and an extreme distaste for not overdoing things, McStudent and his family took a vote, deciding to visit every single institution of higher education in the nation in the condensed two week period formerly known as Spring BreakTM. McStudent actually lost his family’s popular vote...
Phillipian Features Staff CXXXVI    Thursday, April 4, 2013
10. A ghost. 9. Selena Gomez and Vannessa Hudgens. 8. Your March Madness bracket. 7. A real life college admissions officer. 6. A real life police officer. 5. A stingray during your snorkling sesh. 4. All of your tan lines. 3. A textbook. 2. Your leg after a shot block. 1. The Infamous Axe Killer of Gucci, Maine.
Veronica Harrington    Thursday, April 4, 2013
“Yes, no finals on Thursday…” E.J. Eagleman ’14 purportedly snickered to himself. He was going to sign out of the dorm on Wednesday night, staying at the house of his girlfriend, Vicky Grosse ’15, pulling a fast one over on his house counselors. Man, having a day student girlfriend sure was the best. Little did E.J. know that he would run into Mr. Doherty, his house counselor, early Thursday morning at Dunkin Donuts on Main Street. Mr. Doherty was getting his Physics 550 class treats before...
Ellie Simon    Thursday, April 4, 2013
Upon opening his Andover Admissions package just a year ago this past March, Dylan Gent ’16 slipped into a brief state of shock as he read of the wealth of alumni accomplishments: Andover Grad Invents Teleportation, Phillips Alumnus is First to Live on Jupiter, Obama Offers His Presidency to Current Academy Student, and others. From that moment on, Gent, with no particular skills and extremely average intelligence to work with, began laboring tirelessly on the most impressive project he could...
Billy Hubschman    Thursday, April 4, 2013
While many of us were developing tans, beach bodies and pastel shorts collections over Spring Break, Carré Zay ’16 was developing a fever—a fever that has only one cure. And no, the cure was not more cowbell. The news broke on Monday when Zay mysteriously started to flee campus at the sight of her beautiful, red brick dorm. Authorities soon realized Zay was not simply hallucinating. After blindfolding the student, PAPS was able to successfully transfer her to the nearest mental health facility...
Tori Grice And Charlie Jarvis    Thursday, April 4, 2013
Students are up in arms over what to call the break preceding summer vacation since Saturday, when MTV publicized their trademark of the name “Spring BreakTM”. This patent came after the creation of the MTV original show “Spring BreakTM”, which aired uncensored footage of the activities of unsuspecting spring breakers around the country. MTV now owns the rights to anything that happens that is called “Spring BreakTM.” Students around campus have been scrambling to find a new name, so that the...
Jack Lane    Thursday, April 4, 2013
Aspiring Community Service Coordinator Charlie Table ’14 thought he was signing up for a service trip. Though he did sign up for service, it was of a drastically different kind. Table signed up for active duty in the US army. Though not stationed in Iwo Jima, he did write these notes to his mommy: March 2nd: Hi Mom, I just saw a motivational poster of Uncle Sam wrestling with a Bear (which had an angry looking terrorist face…), which I think is some kind of ad for a service trip...
Veronica Harrington    Thursday, March 7, 2013
You walk into the cold, concrete chamber of Doom. Goosebumps begin to spread over your arms and legs. The hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. There’s a nauseating pit in your stomach. The clock strikes three—the time of your final—and you, along with a herd of other overtired, overwrought students lurch forward. You, however, are different than the rest. You will not get to sit in the front. You will not get to be up close and personal to the proctors. You, dear reader, are a lefty....
Rob Irvin And Vince Mocco    Thursday, March 7, 2013
With Winter Term coming to a close and exam week just around the corner, the majority of the Andover population has been chronically exhausted. What is the cure to the fatigue that has swept across the entire campus? Well, in past years, students would drink exorbitant amounts of coffee, but lately they have begun developing an immunity to the effects of caffeine. Many students tried moving on to Red Bull, a much stronger energy drink, but after only a week even that couldn’t give them the...
Michael Lata And David Belluche    Thursday, March 7, 2013
The yawn has long been known to be contagious. Studies have proven the fact that one person yawning will spread to another, but recent developments have proven that the yawn has a self-contagious nature. This newfound phenomenon that has recently hit Andover has since been dubbed the Great Yawn. At 7:55 a.m. this past Wednesday, Ty Erd ’13 made his way into the Paresky Commons bathroom, after staying up all night studying for a big Chemistry test he was sure he would now ace. Though the sole...

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